Analogikal

For a long time, the interviewers and corporate slumlords have held all the cards. The time for candidate aggression has come. Making Karl Marx proud, we shall seize the means of production and end the tyranny of Talent Acquisition experts. If you have been wondering how to own your interviewers, here are a few ways in which some of the candidates have flashed me the birdy in the past.

Be Mysterious

Attending interviews is a lot like dating. You have to walk the tight rope between cocky, confident and competent. A little bit of mystery is always advisable. Respond to e-mails in monotonous matter-of-factual terms and highly confusing, vague statements. Example below:

Hiring Manager: Hey would you be more comfortable with the interview over Zoom or Google Meet?

You: Yes

Boom! The power equation has been demolished. You are in command. The hiring manager is mesmerised by your enigmatic presence and your ability to communicate succinctly. Be really inconsistent on e-mails, phone calls and texts. It will make the interviewer want you more. Remember the three-day rule of dating. There is a reason why Jésus responded after three days.

Even when you feel the urge or the need to be transparent and consistent, fight the bouts of professionalism and soldier on with being a modern version of Rasputin. Because that really ended well.

Misinform, disinform and transform

Startups are looking for candidates who can perform anything. Keep four versions of your resume ready and bombard hiring organisations indiscriminately. It’s ok to exaggerate. Especially if, at some point, you don’t know where your exaggeration ends and where your work experience begins. Actually, have one version of your resume ready with whom you aspire to be in mind.

“They say, dress for the job you want. I say, use the CV of the person you want to be”

Don’t take your boss’s CV. We already have it. Additionally, had they been any good at their job, you wouldn’t be doing this.

Be unrealistic

Neither in your standards nor your performance. Be unrealistic in your expectations. It doesn’t matter that you were an overpaid, under-skilled and unfit for a work environment kind of a resource. You should cling on to that fictional valuation, a bloated start-up, flush with Masayoshi money, attached to you. Discard the critics that point out the real reasons why you and the start-up are chilling right now. One with frozen assets and the other with just a frozen ass.

“If you don’t value yourself, nobody else will. If you don’t overvalue yourself, are you even doing it right?”

Here’s an objective way of inflating your last-drawn paycheck. Take that last-drawn paycheck from 18 months ago. Add market correction factor. Add the implied value of the fluffy work culture and the fictional title you held. Now add the cumulative alcohol volume you consumed for free and the burden of pending rent. Finally, add the value of the shares you own of the start-up that has gone bust. Trust me. You got this.

Resort to Ghosting

Always maintain the upper hand with this one power move! Do not let them have the satisfaction of rejecting you. Ensure you ghost before they can have the satisfaction of rejecting your employment seeking ass!

It’s a wild world out there. Stay strong, be safe and be bold. To infinity and beyond. Or to your desk to attend the upcoming Zoom interview. All the best, and don’t forget your sweatpants.