Analogikal

If you clicked the link because the bunny is cute, my apologies. You have been subjected to clickbait tactics. The bunny is cute tho!

I have always loved bunnies. I have always wondered how aesop, Panchathanthra and the rest of the fable mafia had an addiction towards bunnies. Some sort of furry fetish going on. A lot of bunnies in them age old fables going ‘once upon a time’. Well one of my most favourite ones is the one who lost it’s shit when a coconut fell down. Well it has multiple versions and since I am a mallu, the one with coconut it shall be.

The simple version of it goes a lot like this. A coconut fell down in a not so distant land. Instead of Milind Soman hauling it away for post workout replenishments and instagram influencers over saturating it with filters, it ended up scaring a rabbit. Oh simpler times. The wabbit ran helter skelter and screamed bloody murder. It shouted from the top of the trees and the bottom of the valleys. Yeah a tree climbing rabbit. Go figure! You’re missing the point. The rabbit thought the sky was coming down. Well it did not know that Kumarettan had started plucking coconuts. Long story short, coconut falls. Rabbit on meth loses shit. Spreads a rumour, sky is falling down. Naturally, all other animals lost their shit. Because rabbits have been naturally credible. Apparently nobody read what happened to Alice. So all animals scampered in fear without ever asking the question, is the sky really falling down? or whether the Rabbit had been scoring some good stuff from Heisenberg.

Silly rabbit right? Totally! Hold on to that condescending thought. I have always held the view that people are sheep. You know, watched over by wolves and being led to slaughter and stuff. Recent incidents and happenings have made me believe that we are not sheep, indeed we are all bunnies.

• UNESCO declares, Indian national anthem is best national anthem. Wait, that’s not correct
• Narendra Modi’s arrival was predicted by Nostradamus. Holy pants on fire batman! That shit ain’t true
• The new 2000 rupee note has GPS chip in it. Yes, that and the ability to multiply through mitosis.
• Snapchat CEO calls India a poor nation. Yes, just like how Gigi Hadid finds me irresistible and well endowed. At least that’s what I hear from Gigi’s manager, who may or may not have been fired and hence does not hold any grudge against her.

We lost our shit on all of the above. Snapdeal also suffered collateral damage apparently. Because, patriotism FTW!

Well that is for starters. The most recent one is on SBI. Apparently SBI is going to charge users Rs. 25 for any ATM withdrawal. WHAT-THE-GOD-AWFUL-RIDICULOUS-MONEY-MONGERING-BANKING-PRACTICES!!! Yeeehaaawww!! Hold on to your raging horses and the trolling hormones. Let’s call them your tromones. Well I am too late in saying this. By this time, people have already questioned SBI’s banking practices, BJP’s claims of Achhe din, credibility of the NPA write-off, Superman’s origin stories and the socio-economic implications in the political satire that is ‘Phantom Menace’. Guess what? Sky ain’t coming down. Nope. No such luck. We are gonna have a slow, painful, anxiety induced death.

The coconut in all of this is called SBI Buddy. What is that? a very good question. It is the unwanted adopted child of our premier Nationalised bank. In the ferocious downpour of e-wallets brought about by the shit-storm called demonetisation, the primordial ooze called PayTM has come on top of the pile of dung. It stands tall on the decaying carcasses of lesser e-wallets. One such youngling is the SBI Buddy app. The so called Rs. 25 ATM charge to be levied on all transactions, is in fact, wait for it, only for ATM withdrawals using SBI Buddy app. It would impact approximately 11,700 people across the country. That’s not true actually, I just made up that number. Do you see how easy it is to throw a convincing ‘alternative fact’ your way? Now since that has been cleared, we can all look forward to the next thing that mildly upsets us, for which we can overreact, preferably online, because everything else takes effort.

Long story short. Irrelevant e-wallet’s ATM transaction fee introduced. Indians lose their shit. Reality surfaces. Shame. Denial. Get your tromones in order fellas. Being a furry is cool, if you’re into that kinda stuff. Try keeping it down. You might disturb the sheep.