Elon Musk looked ecstatic. Releasing the latest of the light and sound whirring wagon of wonder, the Tesla Model 3. I was equally excited. Tesla is coming to India. It thought about how it would help save India while giving an off the seat amazeballs driving experience.
Then it suddenly struck me. F*****K! I live in Bangalore. Well, that inherently is not a problem. With the constant power cuts I would not be able to charge the car, hell I can’t even make a proper toast, let alone charge a car. Bah! Then there is the omnipresent potholes. Event Peter Parker with his spidey sense won’t make a day without going down the gutter. But, we Bangaloreans, are the epicenter of tolerance. We remember how and where the potholes are. Well, much like daredevil, we can pretend that we are driving blind. But Alas! the cunning BBMP shuffles the potholes or even does a magic trick or two by making parts of the road disappear.
This is a rant I am going to enjoy, but I really could wrap my head around all the elements of this post apocalyptic wasteland. But, fortunately, I know a guy who can! No, Not Morgan Freeman, he is busy finding god. The great, wise Sun Tzu, yup yup, the same dude who wrote “The Art of War”. Well the conditions we endure is nothing short of an active war-zone and what better way to describe it than through the quotes from Art of War!
“Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”
It is a shame to imagine the amount of time, effort and money that goes into installing signal lights in our vehicles. It is as useful and relevant as script and logic in a Fast and Furious movie. We believe in the element of surprise. Not showing our hand till the last moment of eminent attack. And hence, never use the signal lights while in Bangalore. Without the element of surprise and the excitement created by last moment panic of swerving vehicles and colourful Kannada, Telugu, Hindi and Malayalam profanity, our daily rides would be joyful, peaceful and eventless. And god forbid! Who in their right minds would want that?
“In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity”
You know what we are doing wrong with the insurgent retaliation program? We are just not hiring the right people. We need people who can find a hole and break through or seal it or make a hole if there is none there! Enter bike riders of Bangalore. It would be the peak of rush hour, there would be bumper to bumper traffic, that’s not figuratively bumper to bumper, literally bumper to bumper. There is nothing more chaotic than the rush hour traffic on the outer ring road, all the way from Silk board to Hebbal. Amidst the chaos is where we find our incumbent insurgents. Wiggling through standstill traffic, cutting-off, flipping-off, being flipped-off, effortlessly scraping across a hundred fenders simultaneously. If you are not brave enough, rest assured, some wily bike rider will take your spot in the moving traffic. Even amidst all the chaos, the two wheeler riders find the opportunity. If that quality is not enough, couple it with the fearlessness; no helmet, no brakes et al. I mean where do you find people who can do all this, that too without any cause or purpose! If they have a food delivery logo attached to their vehicle (read Swiggy, Food Panda, Grofers) they are driving on a concoction of red bull, frustration and fear of impulsive diarrhea. If it was down to my friend Anish, they would all get shot, multiple times; but i say send them to the borders! Can I get an Amen?!!
“So in war, the way is to avoid what is strong, and strike at what is weak.”
Well, much like any eco-system, there is a food chain and a hierarchy in this loon house. At the top of which comes the BMTC buses! They are the almighty Megalodons of this sea of carbon emissions and blaring horn noises. They rule the roost. They will stop where they want, take off when they want, surprise you with quick turns and can creep up when most unexpected. The ultimate predator. You definitely want to avoid going head on against them. Then comes the Water Tanker Mafia. They hunt in packs and are much like an aimless Indominous Rex. They hunt for fun. They are confused and are trying to figure out where they fit in on the food chain. The only thing that matches their strength is the lack of misdirected angst. They are what you should be scared off on the smaller roads where you usually try avoiding the BMTC buses. But there is yet another breed you need to fear, they are the newbie drivers on the road. The standard instruction that every driving school gives out is “Be unpredictable” and “Honk at anything that moves”. They might not seem strong, but their unpredictability makes them very dangerous. Avoid at any cost. If you are pedestrian, may lord have mercy on your soul. SPOILER ALERT! Let’s imagine the whole scenario as the final boss fight between Zod, Batman, Superman and Wonder woman. Pedestrians are like citizens of Gotham and Metropolis. Well, very mildly put, you are just collateral damage.
“Thus the expert in battle moves the enemy, and is not moved by him.”
Either that or most of the heavy vehicle drivers learnt driving in the US of A. Left is Right and Right is Left, Well actually in this case, Right is wrong. Let me elaborate. Slow moving vehicles should stick to left. Now that we have cleared the academic stuff, let’s deal with reality. the slowest moving vehicle will always be in the center of the road and no matter how much traffic they hold up they do not budge, as Sun Tzu said, the expert moves the enemy. Much like levitating planets, they expect the smaller vehicles to orbit around them. Oh god how I wish I had an asteroid or a military tank. One should never be greedy.
“Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected.”
Waiting for the green light is for the weak! Are you weak? I asked you some thing! Are you weak? Well that’s the question that you get asked at every traffic signal! Even before the counter counts down and the light is green, there will be honking and the familiar “Aeeey” voices from behind. Let’s face it, we like the premature stuff. I mean, you don’t get to a billion without some premature interventions. Well, they do have a point, anyone can drive when the light is green. Do you have what it takes to be a rebel and swim against the flow? Consider the honking as a continuous cheering on. They are all saying one thing “You can do it Bro!” or “F**K Off already, I have places to be and things to do!”
“If there is disturbance in the camp, the general’s authority is weak. ”
Let me rephrase that for you “If there is a great deal of pandemonium on the road, there is a cop in the midst”. If there is one thing that can confuse Bangalore drivers more than speed limits and road signs, it is the hand signals and gestures of cops. Well you cannot blame them entirely, they themselves don’t know how the roads have been planned and where the one way leads to a dead end (almost every road has a dead end here, don’t believe me? ask for directions, If you do not hear three dead ends in that description, I will drive through silk board signal and back to torture myself) and how the roundabout is misaligned from the intersection. And we cannot distract them from their daily fund raising activities of drunken drivers on weekends or an unsuspecting couple without a pillion helmet. That would be grave injustice. I am still grateful for their existence, at least my taxes are put to good use!
“Therefore, just as water retains no constant shape, so in warfare there are no constant conditions.”
Well that Chinese war guru never had to drive through a monsoon day in Bangalore. Water has a shape. It takes the shape of the road when it rains! You haven’t seen real fear till such time you have seen the reaction of a Bangalorean when the first drops of rain hit the pavement. You know you are not reaching your loved ones in a sane state. The BBMP’s extensive “rain water harvesting plans” is quite counterproductive to common man’s commute plans. When you see a rain notification on your weather app, do yourself a favour and don’t leave your home.
So there you have it! Just stay home and save yourself the trouble. On most days I wish I had a Panzer with an eight track on which I can just play some rage against the machine and level everything that comes my way. On other days, I am stuck in traffic cussing my luck and the ones riding next to me. If it wasn’t for the constant honking, potholes, lack of lane driving, lack of sane driving, lack of roads and common sense, driving in Bangalore would have been a peach! I will leave you with one last advice. There are Four modes of existence on Bangalore roads:
- Spare me I am a Pedestrian
- I honk at anything that moves
- I am running out of medicines for intestinal gas
- Wife is fornicating with the neighbour
- F**k y’all, I’m a bus
So go ahead, take your pick. How will you piss someone off today?
*All stunts depicted in this work of fiction are performed by thorough jackasses with zero experience or knowledge of safety. Please don’t try this at home.
Analogikal 
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