Analogikal

BOOM!

I jumped up out of my bed; sweating and feeling squeamish. I gulped and could feel the palpitation and humidity take over. I frantically searched for a light and found my phone. With disbelief I saw the clock at 6:44 AM! Not the kind of sight you wanna wake up to when you have gone to sleep at 3:30 AM. I had almost forgotten about the explosion. What could it have been? A million thoughts came running to my mind. Did my room mate microwave a steel spoon again? Could my bike have exploded from filling petrol to the brim? What sort of bad luck had come upon us! I knew I should have forwarded the birthday wishes to Radhe Ma to avoid such misfortune in life. Thank you internet, I thought.

BOOM!

Another one goes off! My stomach churned. I knew I should not have had the hyderabadi biryani the previous night. It was laced with the sweat of satan and spiced with the hatred of all the employees I have terminated. My intestines were on fire. But there was an essence of doom in the air with all the explosions! I stepped on to the terrace, barely finding my feet and way, and saw fireworks and people! Somebody screamed out! ‘Happy independence day’!

I love my country! Trust me. I do. It takes deep patriotism to stay back in India when every strand of my mallu DNA calls me to travel home. To the middle-east. That is where a mallu is truly a mallu. ‘Happy independence day’, I mumbled. My mind took me back to all the other times when I had woke up sweaty to an explosion. Those were, mostly thanks to the celebrations for Onam and Vishu back home. Explosions; because nothing screams celebration like bursting crackers 2 feet away from your neighbour’s window. Sweaty because it’s Kerala. Where the humidity % is set between the ‘bottom of the sea’ and ‘are you kidding me?!’

In a lot of ways Onam and Independence Day have a lot in common. The reasons for both happened a long time ago. We know very little about the importance of both. There is a lot of suffering and hypocrisy laced into both and we love bursting crackers through the night to let people know how celebratory we are of both! To the uninitiated Onam is celebrated in Kerala and by mallus. As a result, the whole of the nation has to celebrate it because, let’s face it, we are everywhere. Onam is one of my favourite festivals. The flower carpets, the beautiful maidens, the payasam, the foood. Hmmmmm…. The food.

Here is a brief history about Onam.

A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away named Kerala, there was a king by the name of Mahabali. Now Mahabali was no ordinary king. Mahabali was a demon king (Asura king). But unlike the demonic rulers of Kerala right now, Mahabali was pretty cool. 100% education, low infant mortality, no dacoity, absolute equality and secularity and stuff. I shit you not. I remember the poem by heart which depicts his rule. So things were so good that people were super spoilt and stuff. People were so happy on earth that they forgot about the gods. Like who would remember the gods when you are happy, alcohol is free for all and the whole country is like the after party of tomorrowland. So the gods grew really tired of his shit. They felt they were not given importance and they felt ignored. Wait! Before you judge, even gods have feelings. Every god wants to feel beautiful and needed. And obviously their main concern is the people needing them and praying to them. Mahabali’s rule was counterproductive to this. I mean, which ruler in their right minds keeps their people happy and looks out for their benefits. So he naturally angered the gods for being a genuinely nice guy. But obviously assassinating him was not an option. That would call on the wrath of the public. Arvind Kejriwal would have gone on strike. Shashi tharoor would have moved the internet with a speech as to how the gods owe an apology to Mahabali.

So the gods decided to be cheeky. Lord Vishnu took an Avatar called Vamana. Vamana was a sweet looking Brahmin boy with very unassuming appearances. Much like a Rahul Gandhi. But less drug abuse and fake Indian accent. Vamana came to Mahabali and requested for land. Since this was pre land reform era and Mahabali being Mahabali went all ‘take as much as you want’. Vamana said he needs only three feet of land. How considerate right?! WRONG! When Mahabali agreed, Vamana grew like the poorly animated Calypso from Pirates of the Caribbean. In the first step he covered the whole of the earth. In the second step he covered the whole of the skies. Don’t ask how, he just did. Now Vamana went to Mahabali and said where do I take the third step? Mahabali knew what was coming. The impending land acquisition. To save the rest of the world, he sacrificed his head. Requesting Lord Vishnu to let him come and visit his people once every year. His wish was granted and he got stepped down into the deep core of the earth, only to return once a year, where he spends time with other annual appearances like Shea Lebouef, Anna Hazare and Arnab Goswami’s speech therapist. To commemorate Mahabali’s return to visit his people we celebrate Onam with veg food, fake tiger dances and free flowing alcohol. Because, communism! Yay! Like veg food is really what a demon king is looking forward to.

I’d like to believe he does visit every year. But in all honesty, he could have been drowned in a pothole, run over by a KSRTC bus, arrested by police for being scantily clad, enrolled for a new generation movie to play the role of a highly polished beggar, poked to death with a selfie stick or got kidnapped by an amateur photographer with a facebook photography page and a DSLR for an ‘abstract’ photoshoot. But I hope he comes every year. To realise that he is still remembered and honoured with bottles of old monk and the choicest of snacks.

Gather around my fellow comrades. Raise your toddy glasses.

To our one true king. Hail Mahabali!

Cheers! Or as we would say in Kerala ‘Nee poosheda makane!’

P.S: Characters are for narration purposes only. Any resemblance to any living or dead individuals is purely a figment if your MDMA powered imagination. Seriously son, you gotta cut down on that stuff.

The actual story may or may not be slightly different. If you are offended, please spare us the horror and crawl back under the rock where you came from! I did say please